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29.3.15

Introverted

It wasn't always this way and I'm pretty sure I know exactly why it is now, but it's not ideal. 
Staying home is easy. No physical contact with other humans, no need for conversation. I never keep in contact with friends, I won't be the first one to send a message to say "what's up" because I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear from me anyway. What would I even  talk about in those messages beyond the initial "how are you?" How would you keep the conversation going? Nothing is happening in my life worthy of a conversation. If my friends don't message me, we just don't talk. It's not that I mean to do it, but I'm pretty sure no one cares, no one cares about me anyway.
Making new friends gets harder and harder to do. The smallest of pauses in a conversation makes me feel uncomfortable and I need to keep talking, fill in the space - it's too awkward. I won't attend an event or party without at least one other person I know and I never leave their side. I can't go somewhere new with strangers because what am I supposed to do? I can't start a conversation with someone new and I panic.

In social situations, I'm left with two outcomes and two different emotional states. 
If I'm invited out I immediately start to panic a little, "no, oh no." I want to make up an excuse to say no, but I know the answer needs to be yes. I need to put myself in more social situations with friends and deep down I really, really want to. I don't hate socialising, in fact, it's the most fun I have these days, it's just hard sometimes. Regardless of who the friends are or how long I've known them, the situation is the same.
Anxiety kicks in, I'm a little scared when I'm walking up to meet the gang.
What if they're not there and I'm the only one? What if I mixed up the day. What if I can't socialise?
The conversation start's out as usual and it all seems to be going fine, "How are you, how have you been?" "Oh, good... and good! You?"
The group gets bigger and people are talking, soon everyone joins in on the one conversation. Or worse, they're discussing something I can't relate to. And we've hit a rock. How can I jump into this conversation? What do I say? If I talk I might end up just being annoying, sometimes I say things as a joke, with the intention of being light-hearted, I get over excited and everyone else thinks I'm being serious or takes offence and then I really am being annoying. 
So I sit there in silence, I listen, laugh, nod and smile with the occasional word or sentence. There are too many people talking anyway, the conversation is out of my league, I wouldn't be able to jump in if I wanted to. I go home and I feel like crap. I hate myself. Why didn't you talk? Why didn't you try? It's not that hard, now people think you're a snob, they think you're boring - this is why you don't have many friends. You're an idiot. I dread having to socialise again. 

The group begins to join in on the one conversation, everyone talking excitedly and today is a good day. I jump in and join the conversation. It goes well, I'm actually socialising. I don't feel annoying, I'm controlling my excitement and thinking about what I'm saying, the situation is fine. This is fun. 
I go home and I feel proud of myself - you did it! You actually socialised today and you did well. Well done! I can't wait to do it again. 

Either way, I go home and I need to nap. I'm exhausted and all I did was socialise. The group of people have sucked out all of my energy, trying to talk has left me feeling like a zombie. I wake up and I feel better, regardless of the day's outcome, I think to myself,
The more you socialise the easier it will become, it's okay to feel how you feel and the more you say "yes!" to coffee dates, lunches and catch up sessions, the better you will get. You'll get there, don't worry.


Photo Via We Find Wilderness / YAEL BARTANA

2 comments:

  1. Story of my life omg haha I definitely agree with you at that last bit in particular - it gets a whole lot easier the more you socialise with people. Socialising is a skill, but it's a skill everyone can improve on :)

    Citra xo
    www.annekeswara.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Exactly and the more you improve the better you feel about yourself and in the end that's the key! I love the way you put that.
      x

      Delete

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