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10.5.15

Being Late Makes Me Anxious

You can't control the time or the things that make you late so don't worry about it. It's out of your control. But see, the thing is, I do worry. A lot. If a train, tram or bus is late which makes me late, I freak out and start stressing out about it. Other people would sit back and think, "oh well, that's not my fault, there's nothing I can do." But I sit forward and think, "oh crap, I'm going to be late now, oh no, why me. I should have left the house a little earlier this is completely my fault." Even though, leaving the house earlier wouldn't have made a difference.
I can't help it, I just can't be that person who brushes it off like it's no big deal. 
If I'm going somewhere new or have to be somewhere important by a certain time, the days leading up to it is full of worry - what If I'm late? I have dreams that I'm running hours late due to something out of my control and wake up feeling exhausted and stressed. The last few times, I vomited before I left the house.
But being late isn't really a big deal. Life is short.

I recently discovered the origin of my lateness anxiety - school. Yep, school. That one place that is supposed to help you, well it practically ruined me. School and my mother. Thanks, guys!
For 12 years of my life during both high school and primary school, my mother made me late every single day. I was never allowed to make my own way to school. I had to be walked, by her, around the corner to get to primary school, and she had to drive me to high school. I couldn't leave the house without her. I'd arrive at school at 9:30 am, 10 am, sometimes even as late as 10:30 am. In her eyes, this was okay.
And I was punished.
My teachers humiliated me, told me off, gave me detention, always brought it up.
Why are you late? This needs to stop you need to come to school earlier.
It's not my fault my mother made me late.
Well, take yourself to school then.
I can't she won't let me.
So? How is that my problem? I don't care that's your problem.

Thanks teach, now we know why I don't go to you with my problems eh?

The speeches about how bad it is, how I'll never get a job if this continues. It wasn't my fault but, actually yes, it was my fault. So they said for 12 years. Doctor, dentist, hospital appointments - late. Important meetings or job interviews in high school - late. And it was all my fault. 
Being late means punishment, humiliation and results in me being angry. I hate being late. I can't stand it. I always find myself imagining how the other person will react to my lateness. It's always a bad reaction in my head. 

And it's always hilarious when the other person brushes it off with an "oh, haha, I didn't even notice. It's okay no big deal." You mean I stressed out over nothing?
My life is stressed out about nothing.

Photo by Sheree Grace

- Sheree

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